Hot Buttons

As my friend Dan and I were discussing our small group meeting, which he had planned for the night, two words came out of his mouth that I had never heard in conjuction before. Referencing the “Husbands and Wives” passage in Ephesians Chapter 5, he said: “Well there’s just a lot of hot buttons in there.”

Hot buttons?

I’d heard of someone being a “hot mess” (which I think might have come out of the fashion industry) and I know the terms “hot flash”, “hot crossed buns”, and “hot damn!”

“Hot buttons” had just never run across my ears before (in my small group we have other uses for the word buttons, but you’d have to know us better to ask about that). I asked Dan to explain. He said a hot button is just something that gets under your skin, something that makes people stand on soap boxes, or an idea that creates Westside Story musical brawls.

Okay so maybe I embellished his explanation a bit to give it some cultural depth. Either way, Dan was so right. Ephesians 5 is filled with hot buttons.

The one I have had the most Westside Story musical brawls over is verse 22. Short, but snapping brawl worthy, it reads: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”

Of course it is followed by a few more explanatory verses, but so much of the time in church those are left out. It is also followed by an entire paragraph about husbands loving their wives and treating them like the radiant bride of Christ.

I will say we had a very civil discussion about these verses that night. It wasn’t too heated, no soap boxes were broken out and no singing fights occurred. In the midst of this, I had a bit of a revelation. I was brought up in my teenage years to believe that all your life was to prepare you for marriage, to be a good wife basically. Well aren’t there normally 18-20 something years before you get married? What about those years?

Paul writes in verse 21, the hot button to preface all the hot buttons, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

So all this time I thought it was just about husbands and wives, and I realize that it’s really about community. Whether you are married or single, you are a part of community. God meant it to be like this. If you do get married, you don’t just magically start submitting and loving as Paul describes here. These things take time to learn, and what better system to learn in than the one God already set up for us in community?

There is this famous house near USC called the Blue House. In it live 6-8 great men (depending on the count at that time). I am good friends with most of these men, and I value the role that they play in my life in practicing the Ephesians chapter 5 values. I know that as a woman, these guys are going to be the ones to look out for me. If I am not living up to my full potential, they are going to encourage me. If I am thinking about dating someone who isn’t that great for me, they’ll be the ones to say something. If I am walking on a dark street to my car one of them will be next to me to protect me from harm. In the same way, I am there to encourage confidence in them as men. I tell them how strong they are when they carry my couch for me. I thank them when they act in a gentlemanly manner. I encourage them to be bold in their pursuit of a Godly woman, and praise them when they treat their lady well.

This is what it looks like. It’s not perfect 100% of the time. It’s not about experience or education levels, but about intention and character. We need to be submitting to one another in community, out of love for one another and for God. Life doesn’t start when you get married. It’s happening right now. In the same way, you are building your character today, and this can’t wait until you say “I do.”

Who is your community? Who are the men and women that you can start submitting to, loving, and cherishing? Start now. It’s like shampooing. Meet. Love. Repeat.

Thanks for pushing buttons with me,

Kate

Mirror Image

Mirrors can be helpful or hurtful, accurate or misleading. A piece of glass that can’t move or talk can define who we are and what we are worth in a split second.

What if your mirror could talk? What if it could interact with you on a daily basis, react with emotions, and see into your soul?

A good friend of mine once said that marrying someone is like asking to have a constant mirror that shows you who you really are. She said sometimes her husband reflects the good things about her character. Sometimes though, he is a mirror for the character flaws she has yet to deal with, the baggage she has brought with her to this point, and the relational skills that might still need a bit of sharpening.

Most of us, married or single, already have human mirrors in place to show us what we’re made of in relationships.

Do you have a roommate, a family, parents, a friend, a mentor, or a boyfriend or girlfriend? There’s your mirror.

Proverbs 27:17 reads, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

I don’t know about your masochistic tendencies, but that doesn’t sound like fun to me! It means that if we are in community, we are constantly rubbing up against each other, that parts of us must be sloughed off in order to reveal a better surface, and that with growth comes through pain.

So why not be an island? Why have friends? Why date? Why would you ever get married?

God created humans to need eachother. We need community. We need to grow with one another. We need to be sharpened by one another.

This doesn’t give us a free card to go around criticizing everyone we know. It does give us a repsonsibility to, as Paul puts it in Ephesians chapter 4, “speak the truth in love”.

Love should be the context for relationships. Not just the kind brought on by pheremones and hot dates, but the kind that keeps us choosing to serve the other, strive for their best interest, and protect them from harm. Love should be the word that is written on your mirror.

This does not mean that you should candy coat what is going on. Truth and love go hand in hand, and telling someone a partial truth or a lie is the opposite of loving that person. There is a difference to how you say things, how you reflect the people you love, but it should never be a choice between love and truth. One cannot exist without the other.

To elaborate, Paul writes to the Ephesians:
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

You can’t control other people’s decisions, attitudes, and emotions. However, knowing that you are a mirror for the people in your life, you must strive toward building your loved ones up by giving them what they need and can benefit from in application.

This may be as simple as assuring your girlfriend that you care for her before asking about some past decisions she made. It may be offering possible solutions instead of just saying what is wrong when there are problems between you and a family member. You may need to speak calm, encouraging words to your employee, so that they can take and use the information you are giving them, instead of just feeling hurt and degraded by your usual angry yelling.

It is not easy to be a surrounded by mirrors when trying on a bathing suit. In the same way, it isn’t always easy to be surrounded by people who know your strengths as well as your weaknesses.

Who are your mirrors? What kind of image do they portray? Is there something you need to do to be a better mirror for others?

Thanks for your reflections (pun intended),
Kate

Hello. My name is…

There is something in the air right now.

Knowing that I live in L.A., you say, “yes, Katie, and no one wants to really know what it is, the same way we don’t want to know what’s in a hot dog.” Seriously, this past week has been…beautiful. Maybe I am just noticing things that I wasn’t before, or maybe I really have been sleepwalking. I feel like I am laughing more, seeing details like I haven’t in awhile, and smelling every bit of summer (I guess it’s technically still spring, but whatever). I am getting butterflies. I love it.

Lately, my roomie and I have been laying in our beds at night, looking up at the stars (a.k.a. ceiling) and pondering the mysteries of life.

The night before last, an important question came up. It seems like more and more people have been asking me this recently.

How does a person meet someone to date?

If I was being a smart-ass I would tell you to walk up to someone you think is cute, extend your right hand to them and say “Hi. My name is (fill in the blank) and you are?” And then you’ve met.

I know, I know, there’s more to it than that. You (and I) want to magically “bump into” this amazing, mature, handsome/beautiful, Jesus-loving, world-changing fairytale prince/princess in a storybook way that you could illustrate and read to your grandkids.

While yes, that does happen to some, with most of us God has more of a sense of humor. So how do you meet people?

Okay there’s the obvious (or not so obvious to some):

-Church - You’re all there for the same reason. To get a date..ehem…to worship God and have community. But really, there’s nothing wrong with giving someone your number if you have a great convo with them about the service that day. People treat church with a little too much reverence, thinking that they can’t possibly ask someone out on “Holy Ground”.

(Hint - Don’t take off your shoes before you get her number, Moses, or it might not work out).

- Serving - Whether with a small group, on a film team, setup/teardown, missions work, etc., you’re normally going to find good people here. If they care enough to serve, it’s usually a good indication of their character. I am not advocating what I like to call “mission trip love” (closely related to summer camp love). If something sparks, wait til you get home to start up the flame. It’s just polite, and also keeps the team more intact throughout the trip.

- Through other friends at church - there is nothing wrong with putting yourself out there. If your friends know you’re looking for someone, they might be able to help you find him/her. My friend Natalie set up a “Hot Potato Night” to introduce her friends to people with whom she thought they might be compatible. Start some dinner dates for 8, or just throw some parties, and see what happens. But being intentional, and letting your friends know is important. As Jesus said, “You have not because you ask not.” I’m hoping there’s some truth in that for singles too.

So now, the not so obvious places:

- Get a life - no really, when you have something you’re passionate, people are drawn to you because of your passion. I’ve seen this happen time and time again. Find something to do outside of work and outside of church, basically outside your normal path of life. I am passionate about swing dancing, and I meet all kinds of new people every week because I end up dancing with them, but it’s a casual enough environment that it isn’t uncomfortable to interact with so many people. You never know who you will meet, and what story you will tell your grandkids. 

- Online dating? Recently I have seen it work for people I know! I don’t know that I am cut out for such things, but hey, don’t knock it til you try it I guess. Just have some common sense. 

 

So this post is really all about the question. Where do you meet new people?

Really guys, I want to know. So please answer with comments, with ideas, with things that have worked for you or people you know. I’m pretty sure we could all benefit from this one. 

Thanks! I look forward to your comments, 

Kate

Blog-tagged.

I couldn’t let my blog reading friends down! I was tagged by my friend that I’ve never met, Sam in Texas.

Ok the rules. Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, choose 6 people to be tagged, list their names & why you tagged them. Don’t forget to leave them a comment saying “You’re it!” & to go read your blog. You cannot tag the person that tagged you, so since you’re not to tag me back; let me know when you are done so I can go read YOUR weird/random/odd facts, habits and goals.

 

1. I have wanted to go to Australia since I was in 2nd grade. I read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, and at the end of the book, Alexander says “I think I’ll move to Australia.” I think I will too, one day.

2. I, like my friend Sam, have always wanted to have a mixed up, crazy family. As much as I’d like to have kids of my own, I also want to adopt kids from lots of different places. My life statement is to love the unloved and bring hope to those who have none, and there is nothing more important than loving a child into maturity.

3. A dream of mine is to go shark diving in Capetown, South Africa. I always watched Sharkweek on the Discovery Channel and dreamed of being in one of those cages, taunting great whites with huge chunks of meat!

4. In college, I had a rule that I would learn one random skill per semester. In my sophomore year I learned how to unicycle!

5. I am much more of an 80s child than I should be (thanks to my 3 older siblings). I started a ritual in college - every Friday I listen to “Friday I’m in Love” by The Cure at some point during the day. It just makes me really happy!

6. I am a bit OCD. I often eat foods so that they have straight lines and symmetry. Watch me when I eat Pinkberry. I will take bites so that there is a straight line all the way across. It’s kind of strange.

7. I can touch my tongue to my nose. I’ve been this talented since I was 10. Somebody should pay me!

8. I have severe texture issues when it comes to food. I like oatmeal cookies, but hate oatmeal (makes me gag!). I like coconut flavor/coconut water but can’t eat grated coconut. I like mushroom flavor but can’t eat mushrooms. I’ve even been known to eat a tomato on half a sandwich, then take it off the other half cause I get tired of the texture.

9. One of my life goals is to have a published photo in National Geographic, a weekly column somewhere, and an Oscar for best documentary.

10. I don’t like soup, due to a jaw surgery recovery, so instead of eating soup when I am sick, I either eat macaroni and cheese or thai food. 

I’m tagging - 

Ann, Betsy, Serena, Mary, Kelli, and Drew. 

Sorry guys, I had to do it! 

Sleepingwalking Beauty

Aside of the week:
Here’s a new vocabulary word for you all.

Dance-crush (noun)
1. A feeling of elation, joy, or all around loveliness when dancing with a particular partner, but which does not arise when in close proximity to this person off the dance floor. Not to be confused with a regular crush.
2. The person who inspires such feelings.

Sometimes I feel like Sleeping Beauty. You remember the tower she slept in, covered in thorns, with the dragon/witch guarding it from the prince?

Only in my version, I have to walk around everyday, interacting with people instead of sleeping in a tower. My hedge of thorns is only evident when someone gets close enough to see it.

My friend wrote something recently about how great it is to have a fresh wound. While that sounds rather masochistic, she didn’t mean it in that sense. She said that a fresh wound was an opportunity to truly
heal, as opposed to trying to treat the symptoms of old wounds, which never healed correctly and therefore still cause pain on a reoccurring basis.

An old pain came back to me in full force in April, brought to the surface by a fresh wound. My biggest relationship fear, built up by family issues at a young age and consistently reaffirmed by life and Hollywood,
became reality for me. I was devastated.

I’d been walking around like a zombie ever since, until the last couple of weeks. I’ve been Sleeping Beauty, carrying around my heart in a thorn covered cage. I thought if I couldn’t be with the one who had hurt me, at least this way I could protect my own heart from any other prince coming around, good intentions and sword waving in the air.

I guess this is how I’ve always dealt with things. Something hurtful or hard happens, and I think that since obviously God isn’t big enough to take care of me I have to take care of myself. I have to weave
another layer of thorns around my heart, and walk out into the world like the warrior I’ve created myself to be. I am a fixer. I realize something is wrong with me, I psychoanalyze myself to death, and then
I try to treat the symptoms of whatever it is on my own. Sure I ask God for help, but what I really mean so much of the time is, “God, help me figure out what it is that I can do to fix this within myself.”

Tonight at a group that I lead, I am discussing Ephesians chapters 2 and 3.

Chapter 2:1 and 4-5 says this:
(1)As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins. (4)But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, (5) made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by
grace you have been saved.

I have been dead in my pain and scars for the past month and a half, and partially dead for most of my life. I am Sleeping Beauty. Sure I can try to wake myself up, but only a true love can do the real work
for me.

The Submarines put it so well. This is an excerpt from “The Thorny Thicket” off their new CD.

I had a ring of thorns
Around my heart
But you made your way in
Yes you broke it apart

I cried Love, Love
And the skies opened up
I cried Love, Love
And the skies opened up

We tore the thicket down vine by vine
By naming each pain that had brought it to life
And there in the clearing, Two hearts undeceiving
No prickers, No briers to upset our meeting

Are you sleepwalking? Are you carrying your heart around in a self made box of thorns, or steel, or anything else you might think will keep you safe?

As much as I am under the impression that no one will ever be perfect before getting into a relationship, I still have an obligation to myself and whomever I date to be the most of who I am and do the best
I can with myself. While this wound is fresh, I am asking God to help me for real, to get to the core of the pain and heal it, not just treat the symptoms I am dealing with now. I would really encourage you
to do the same.

The Submarines may just be an amazing band, but they also have some wisdom. Name the hurts that you have out loud, either to God or to someone else. Getting things in the light is the first step to real
healing.

We are all messy and in process all the time. Let’s give each other some grace.

Thanks for sending some my way,

Kate

For Love and Labels

“I am someone who is looking for love…”

First off, while I appreciate everyone’s comments and questions, and would love for you to keep them coming, I would like to let you all in on a little secret. I am no expert on dating, relationships, love, marriage, flirting, etc. I am going through it all just as you are, with probably less experience, lots of questions and a little insight through observing my friends and family and their relationships. All that to say, my life is not yours. My experience is not your experience. My story is not your story.

Please take anything I say with a grain of salt. Wrestle with my words. I hope that what I write makes you question your motives, structure and attitudes in dating. I want you to interact, not to blindly follow. I am no one to be followed, so I beg of you, if what you seek is a book of rules and regulations for dating, please leave now. All I can offer you is questions and discussion. All I want from you is the same.

That being said, my friends, I would like to discuss love and labels.

This weekend I saw the same movie as millions of women across America. Love it or hate it, it does have a little bit of truth in it.

According to Carrie Bradshaw, 20 something women flock to New York in search of the 2 L’s - Love and Labels. I’m pretty sure L.A. is no different, or any other city for that matter.

We head to the west like in days of old, looking to fulfill our dreams, whether that be a recording contract, a movie deal, or marrying a starving artist and living frugally ever after. We are looking for love, that is for sure. Mainly we look for it in the wrong places, as the human tragedy/comedy would have us do. We look to our bosses for approval. We look to clothes and products to make us feel beautiful. We look to 40 ft models to justify our latest self-loathing. We look to men we just met or don’t even know to make us feel wanted and warm. We are looking for love.

As for labels, Carrie was alluding to those that are hand sewn into expensive purses and branded into the sole of a shoe. While those are alive and well in the city of angels, I’ve noticed many women trying to buy their way into other sorts of labels here.

Here I will break into a song and dance of cliches, which some of us might identify with, if we are honest.

Labels make life easier to deal with. If you are the girl P.A., relying not on your filmmaking skills but on your “seduce the director” skills, you don’t have to expect any more of yourself. Life is easier. If you are the model/actress, constantly on a diet trying to lose or gain weight for a role, beating yourself up because your skin hasn’t cleared enough to match your headshots, you never have to think more highly of yourself. Life is easier this way. A power-hungry, hardened wanna-be executive never has to think of the people she is crushing under her stilettos. Life is easier. A musician, drunk and depressed, can write all the songs they want about how hard life is. It’s their label. It’s who they think they are. Life is easier when they just go along with that.

My dear friend told me yesterday to never underestimate the power of who I am and what I bring to the world. Wow! I knew she wasn’t talking in proverbs, or telling me something she had read in a book. She was actually talking about me, and what I bring to the world.

In a group I co-lead, we’ve been talking about the ancient city of Ephesus and the letter that Paul wrote to the church there. We’ve made comparisons between Ephesus and Los Angeles, and my co-leader asked, “What would you write to the city of Los Angeles?”

That is my answer. Women (as well as men) are constantly underestimating their talents, strengths, abilities, beauty, worth and character in Los Angeles. I’ve done it. You’ve done it. We’re all caught up in this web.

I get stuck when I am struggling to get by financially, yet I am so tempted by the call of a new dress or a pair of shoes, which I justify by saying they’re for work, or some other excuse. I get trapped when I go out dancing and am surrounded by skinny model-types, complaining about how big their thighs are to each other in the bathroom.

Maybe it’s different for you. You have your own labels. Or maybe we have these labels in common.

What labels are you saving up to buy? Do you want to be the pretty girl, the skinniest one in the room, the achiever, the one with the big rock on her finger, the slut, the mean girl, the flawless one? Labels are not just for girls, guys I want you to think about this too. Do you want to be the one with all the money, the guy to sleep with everyone, the one who gets the girl every time, the nice guy, the bad boy, the one with the fast car?

Labels surround us.
Love surrounds us.

Wait, I just changed things around. Did you catch that?

Love surrounds us in Los Angeles. While saving up for your labels, did you miss out on who is in your life, and what you specifically, with your talents, strengths, abilities, beauty, worth and character can bring to those people?

” Love can free us from all excess, From our deepest debts, Cause when our hearts are full we need much less” - The Submarines

Summing up 1 Corinthians 13, a speaker recently said this: “When everyone is unique, love is our only hope, because it will get ugly out there in the world.” He followed by talking about our own community, and how we strive to become a community where love is our language, the common bond that ties all our unique selves together.

You are surrounded by people who love you. Sometimes you have to get up, leave your bedroom, and look for those people, but I promise you, you’ll find them. There are people who look past your labels, who don’t see the ones you are waiting to be branded by, and see you. Period. Those are the people who love you.

Yes, we all are looking for love and labels. We always will be.
But just for today, for right now, put down your labels, be who you are at your core and look at the love that surrounds you. It will transform you, refresh you, and raise you up to a higher standard of living. Life might not be so easy when you take off your labels, but love is there.

If You Want to Date, Reciprocate (or Buck Up Jude)

First, I would like to point you to my current favorite YouTube video. This kid is awesome, and I promise it will make you smile and have something to do with this post.

Second, I apologize in advance for all the footnotes. I was having way too much fun with them.

Third, I would like to say that I cannot take full credit for the great title of this post. It came out of a Sunday morning brunch with some of my favorite ladies. Of course, as women do, we started to talk about dating and boys, kissing and cooties, etc.

At one point I was sharing with the ladies my new mantra (spoken by a wise old man of 26, my friend Dan), which is:

“Flirt. Flirt more. Flirt a lot. Just flirt.” *

He says that guys need encouragement (am I right guys?). I talked about this a bit in my post, A Genuine Lady, but I would like to delve in more as I have observed that many of my friends are most aloof to this facet of dating. Of course, I am the queen of flirting, as many of you know, and therefore have much to say on the subject (insert very sarcastic tone above).

I grew up in church culture, with teachings and books telling me that as a woman, I should be perfecting my Proverbs 31 knitting skills rather than smiling at boys across the church hall. That may be a bit extreme, but at that point it’s what it felt like. This “quietness and meekness” mindset has plagued me throughout my teenage and young adult years. Only in recent years have a realized that my strength is actually in being who I am. I am not quiet. I like to talk and laugh and hug people. **

When I was in college, one of my guy friends, whom I had a crush on for a long time, told me that he thought something might happen between us early on in our friendship, but that he could never tell if I was into him. This is the story of my life.

Hence, I say, if you want to date, reciprocate!

If a guy smiles at you, smile back! If he asks you to coffee, say “sure, pick me up at 7!” If he gives you a compliment, say “thank you” instead of turning it into a fake humility trip.*** I know this may be frightening, but you’re only responding to what the guy has already initiated. It’s a good place to start.

In swing dancing, proper tension is needed to be a good lead and to follow properly. This applies to flirting too. My friend Joey, who is one of the best dancers I know, once told me that in order to be a good follow (aka the girl’s part), you have to mirror the same amount of tension that the guy is giving you. If you are dancing with a guy who is a “soft lead”, he will only give you a little tension, but will still guide you. If you respond with too much energy it may throw things off. The same goes for a guy with a strong lead, which calls for a stronger, more enthusiastic response.

I think that most of us know, at least somewhat, how to read people. My challenge to you is this. Watch the guys around you and how they interact with you. Without trying to read into things, just watching their behavior, try to mirror their level of energy toward you. This is actually a technique used widely in psychology and also in acting, and I think it can be a great help in learning how to flirt. Responding with the appropriate amount of energy makes people feel comfortable, and allows them to be themselves with you in what could be an awkward situation (flirting, dating, talking, etc.).

Guys, here’s where you come in. That 3 year old kid singing “Hey Jude” ended up becoming a huge Korean TV star. He learned English from the Beatles, and in one show he was asked if he knew the meaning to the song he was singing. He replied yes, and said “Buck up Jude!”

I was talking to my friend Natalie yesterday about how I wanted my blog to be different than other dating blogs. While I know most of my readers are women, I want the men who read this to know that I hold both them and my ladies to a higher standard. I’ve heard lots of guys at the community of faith that I belong to complaining that women don’t reciprocate when they make a move. Well guys, my challenge to you is to continue to try. Don’t give up just because one girl turned you down, or this one seems aloof to your intentions, or because you were dumped. Know that we need you to be the men you are, to pursue us, to start the process, to give us that first smile across the room. Be courageous! Buck up!

I can’t promise that every woman will reciprocate when you pursue, but I can tell you that trying is worth it. I can also tell you that I am doing my part to encourage the women in my circle in responding to your actions. As I told the ladies, sometimes things don’t work out in your favor. Get up, dust yourself off and try again. We are all in a constant state of learning and adjusting, and all I ask is that you take part in the process.

So Buck up Jude! If you want to date, reciprocate! Flirt! Flirt more! Flirt alot!

Thanks for putting up with my footnotes and crazy mantras.
Until next week,
Kate

*Any variations using the word “flirt” can also be used.
** Side hugs also sprouted up at this time as a method of defending one’s purity. I loathe side hugs. They are more awkward than regular ones. Just thought you should know.
*** You know, “Well, yeah I just have had this dress forever. I hate how it makes my thighs look. But thanks, I guess”.

Choices Made

And in this week’s aside, I would like to inform you that the city and I were meant to be. Or as my good friend Leigh put it, “L.A. suits you, Katie.” Ahh, true love.

Maybe that’s not that much of an aside, since I am writing this week about choices in love. As much as I believe that it was pure destiny that I ended up in this angelic city (romanticized much?) I have had to make choices to not lose the loving feeling for this place. It’s ironic that the longest love affair I have ever had is with a metropolis and not a man.

My mother, and everyone else’s I’m sure, repeatedly told me while growing up to “make good choices!” Teachers displayed posters with silly animal images and the same mantra printed in comic sans font in elementary school. Consequences were displayed on charts next to the not so good choices in middle school and high school. In college I had a student life manual to rule over my decision making. When adulthood came around, there was nothing but experience and previous knowledge to influence my choices. When it came to love, I found out that no textbook could make my decisions for me, no previous experience gave me direction and my mom couldn’t tell my heart how to behave.

I have come to believe that love is a choice, as briefly mentioned in my last post. I can have chemistry with someone and not choose to love them. I can flirt with someone and not choose to love them. I can kiss someone and not choose to love them. I can share my innermost feelings and desires with someone and not choose to love them.

The idea of falling in love always seemed kind of reckless and scary to me. I grew up in a broken home, with divorced parents and their divorced friends, with the wreckage of relationships all around me. I always knew that at one point these separated sweethearts had fallen in love with each other, so naturally there was a point when they had fallen out of love. Songs, poetry and movies reinforced this belief for me constantly.

I found one recently by Bob Denver (yes I am a hippie-child), called “Falling Out of Love”.
Here are some lyrics from that song:

This is what it’s like falling out of love
This is the way you lose your very best friend
This is how it feels when it’s all over
This is just the way true love ends

First of all there’s no one you can talk to
When there is they just don’t seem to hear
Words don’t seem to matter much anyway
They can’t describe the pain
They can’t explain the fear

What’s this sense of failure
It’s such an incredible loss
It’s all the things you’ll never do
And all the dreams that will never come true

This is what it’s like falling out of love
This is the way you lose your very best friend
This is how it feels when it’s all over
This is just the way true love ends

I realized early on the consequences of choices made in relationships. I have lived with these consequences for years, and I still have the scars to tell my story. I have also grown in the past few years and seen what choosing love looks like when exercised in daily life. It’s been a beautiful experience to take part as my friends Dawn and Jeff chose to love each other for the rest of their lives. It’s amazing to watch them choose each other daily after the ceremony is over. I’ve seen couples at Mosaic who have been married for more than 25 years and still choose each other daily. It may not be an easy choice, but they make it because this is the person that they have chosen.

William Butler Yeats wrote, “I think a man and a woman should choose each other for life, for the simple reason that a long life with all its accidents is barely enough for a man and a woman to understand each other; and in this case to understand is to love.”

As I wrote before, I think it is a great act of love to choose someone above all others. Choices are hard for me. I like to include every option as long as I can, until I absolutely have to choose one over the others. I don’t see why it should be any easier for me to choose the person I love. From my limited experience, it is indeed a grueling process. Not too long ago, I chose someone. I loved someone. He chose me. He had chosen me for years, and I had run every time. Finally, we chose each other. Not too long after, my heart broke as someone else chose him, and he chose that other person over me.

I’m not sure if that “make good choices” motto really applies in love. I had my heart broken by choosing this man, and yet I do not regret my choice. To say “make good choices” in reference to people implies that some people are good choices and some are bad choices. He was not a bad choice. The situation turned out badly, but that man was not a bad choice. The idea of two people being a “good choice” for one another is one of taste, experience, life, status, location, and a number of other factors. In this case, there can be multiple “good choices” for me which may or may not work out over the long run.

Reflect on your choices this week. What are the qualities of the people you choose to love? Do you think that love is a choice that you make daily? Are you putting off choices because of fear, past failures, or disappointments? As my friend, Leigh, also says, “Jump on it!”

To choose someone is to trust that person with my heart. Accidents happen, choices are made, things fall apart and at the end of the day I may have some bruises and bumps. I still think that it is beautiful that I have the ability to choose. It is even more marvelous to think that I can be chosen.

Thanks for choosing to join me in this journey,
Kate

Instinctual Direction

First of all, and completely apart from the direction of this post, I would like to share a recent finding with all of you.

I have decided, that dancing, not Dr. Pepper (as previously believed), is truly the cure for all evils, wrongs and hurts. Okay, now that you know, I can continue.

Ann brought up a question from last week’s post, which I decided would have to be a post of its own.

She asked, “How do you think a girl knows how much honesty is too much honesty?”

Yes, you have to admit you were all thinking that too.
No, I don’t think there are general answers to this question.

However, I met with a very wise man yesterday to discuss some circumstances that have come up in my life. He had a lot of perspective that I think can be applied to this question, although maybe not all directly.

Firstly, he said that God delights in watching us choose someone to be with, watching us go through those decision processes (a.k.a. dating) and seeing what we learn from each person with whom we interact. In other words, he doesn’t think that there is one right person for every person, but instead many possibilities. At this point in my life, while not giving up on a fairytale ending, I totally agree. I think it is more romantic that someone would choose me over all others than the idea that they are resigning to me being “the one”. And I love romance!

He also said something that threw me off a bit, although I needed to hear it out of someone else’s mouth. He simply said, “Trust your instincts, and live a full life”.

Ann, I think this is the best (although not direct) answer to the question that you voiced, and that I know everyone was thinking. Thanks for actually saying it!

The Bible says in Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Erwin, my pastor, loosely translates this as “Love God. Do what you want.” And now you are all thinking that I go to a hedonistic church, and that we are all running around in chaos, fulfilling all of our wildest desires. I’m laughing at my own mental picture of this right now!

I assure you, this is not the case. What he means by this is that if you are a Christ-follower, Christ lives in you. If Christ lives in you, then His desires become your desires. If that is true than God ultimately gives you fulfillment for your true desires, the good things that He has developed in your character. Therefore, you can most often trust your instincts. You like my logic skills? Like magic, I tell you.

Really though, be who you are, who God made you to be. If it is not your usual tendency to show affection through words, find your own way. If you are a woman who is more prone to acting on feelings, own that and use it for good. If you are someone who, like me, loves to encourage with words, use that for good.
With your actions, with your words, with yourself, better humanity.

This wise man and I also had a discusssion about selfishness yesterday. This has no place in relationships, and I believe it is actually the root of most evils in relationships.

As Christ-followers, our purpose is to serve and love one another. As humans in general, decency and goodness prompt us to treat one another with respect. This should be applied throughout all our relationships, especially in dating and marriage. As I said in my “Genuine Lady” post, be genuine. Do not use your words for your own good, but in order to better those around you. Do not be manipulative. And honestly, ladies, I know that we are great at manipulation if we really take a good look at ourselves. Everyone say it with me, OUCH!

It’s true and you know it! It’s a part of the fall. It is not a part of who we are at our core. If your goal is to love people (and I hope it is), then build them up in love. Share your feelings with the men in your life, not to manipulate and mold them into your own desires, but to help them be the men they are at their core.
Listen to your mother’s wisdom from long ago: “Always leave a place better than you found it.” Apply this to people. Relationships should be about loving, giving to and serving the other person. Every relationship is a success when you do this, whether you break up or get married. Always add to the other person’s life instead of taking away from it.

Yes, there will always be misunderstandings. There will always be drama. Men and women both will sometimes misread the others’ words and actions as more than they are meant to be. When this happens, remember to handle that with love and grace. I am talking to myself here too! Talk about it. Don’t leave people hanging, waiting for something that will not happen. This is just plain rude.

I know this was a long post, and seemingly all over the place. I hope that you can pull from it some wisdom, some talking points, something to mull over.

Trust your instincts. Love God and people. Bring about good in the world and in your relationships. The greater good. The greater good. Sorry I couldn’t help myself!

Keep the questions coming! Seriously, let’s talk about these things. In response to this post, I would love to have your thoughts on this question.

Thanks for the dialogue!
Katie

A Genuine Lady

I was working hard on Hopeful.Clothing bags last night when my roommate stopped me in the hallway and asked if she could borrow my ear for a minute or two. Of course, being girls, that minute turned into lots of minutes.

She asked my opinion over whether to Facebook a guy to thank him for the lunch they had earlier that week, and somehow this became a discussion on being genuine.

What is it about being genuine (synonyms- authentic, true, unaffected, open, honest, forthright) that scares us so much, especially when it comes to relationships?

I’ve always adored the saying “better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” I know it’s a bit trite, but my romantic heart just leaps when I hear that. It evokes passion, intensity, drama and everything that is good and holy in love and romance.

Now I don’t want you all to think that I have always been this outspoken, tell all, wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve type of girl. In fact, I am still not all of those things, and I don’t suggest that you become that extreme either. I have, however, come to realize that people enjoy being appreciated. People love being built up, encouraged, and told what they have done well. As a natural encourager (in StrengthsFinder language, I have Woo and Positivity) it is my joy to make a person radiate with self-worth.

I was reading an article recently called “Do Men Need Saving?” I started laughing at the title, but actually found some tidbits of wisdom. It’s about how author Kathleen Parker blames feminism and male-bashing for the lack of purpose, self-esteem, responsibility, and confidence men seem to have these days.

I wholeheartedly agree with Parker. As a culture we tend to go to extremes, and this trend is doing us no good, especially when it comes to dating. What can we do to reverse this?

I hereby propose being genuine. Don’t worry about looking vulnerable, or too [fill in the blank with whichever adjective you are most afraid of appearing]. If a guy takes you out and you enjoy it, thank him. If two of your strong guy friends help you move your enourmous couch (made of lead) tell them how manly they are and how much you appreciate them using their muscles for your benefit. You get my point.

This authenticity thing works both ways. I think it could revolutionize the way the sexes relate to one another. If we, as women, step up with encouragement and vocalize an appropriate amount (as innot all) of our feelings about a guy, perhaps he will be honest with us about his intentions and feelings in return.

Notice, ladies, that this may mean that the outcome does not favor our own plans, and may indeed lead to that dreaded “just friends” talk at times. But at least he’ll be talking, and you won’t be sitting around fretting over whether or not he wants a relationship with you.

And now for the homework:

Ladies, I want you to think about the men in your life and how you can encourage them, build them up, make them feel like the men they are and ought to be. I want you to put this into action, being genuine with your words towards these fellows, whether or not you want a relationship with them, and whether or not this will get you what you want. Manipulative does not equal genuine.

Gentlemen, I want you to take action yourselves. Tell the ladies what you want, whether it’s a relationship, a friendship, or to be with them until you’re old and gray. Tell them if you don’t know what you want yet. Be vocal about your intentions. I know it’s awkward, but it’s worth it. We’ll respect you for treating us with respect, even if it means we don’t end up dating.

I know I have opened up a can of worms with this post. This was, in fact, my intention.

Thanks for fishing with me,
Kate